on the horizon

i remember running across soccer fields

barefoot, and the grass was cold

but we didn’t care.

and i remember we’d sneak off

in the trees around the edges

and kiss cute boys,

and it didn’t matter

that it wasn’t going to go anywhere.

we didn’t know what love was then,

we just wanted to have fun,

and the only reason to do anything

was to say we had.

and it didn’t matter, and

we never thought we would die.

even when we wanted to, we didn’t think

we could die.

even when someone did, someone we knew

(or we thought we did, anyway),

dying was for old people.

and planning was for people

who didn’t think they had much time left.

but we just did whatever would make us

happy,

popular,

cool,

get the guy

(or the girl).

we never planned anything,

and the only effort we exerted

was towards sports

and skipping school.

and it didn’t matter.

until it did.

and we didn’t know what to do.

and we still don’t, and we still don’t know

if any of this matters.

lexxie rae 09.17.2017

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follow the spiders

my mind is a spiderweb

made on a single-line drawing

at the center sits God

his legs gently touching each segment

the edges are strung up over the worlds

and fiery earth sits at the bottom right

cornered by an eight-legged angel

the horns on earth’s head struggle to free him

but God’s friend keeps the red fly imprisoned

i sit between his wings and watch him die

and wonder how no one else can see

that this confrontation is only one intersection

and every dash connects back to the core

– lexxie rae 09.07.2017

grateful dead

i am a scratch on your seventies records

unnoticed among many

but just deep enough to warp the music

a blank canvas can have no ink splatters

when the paint ran dry seven years ago

so you hid the negative space

with tears and blood from the kitchen knife

no one should look too deep into your eyes

for the lead concentration

from the only paint you could salvage to color them

is a carcinogen too potent for the mind to scheme a cure

the doors have locks

to keep the night at bay

and the shadows play

where the light is strong

– lexxie 07-16-2014

coffee date three

so since i haven’t done one of these in a while, and since i forgot to do this month’s gratefulness entry in my bullet journal, i thought i’d write all the blessing God has given me here!!

first of all, the things i am grateful for today: i got ALL the harry potter books (yes including fantastic beasts and the cursed child) AND the two newest ones were on sale AND my mom has a barnes & noble membership so i got an extra ten percent off those ones. this is amazing because my brother had all the original ones but when he moved either he took them with or my mom donated them, so now i have them again. i also found the “poorly drawn lines” book, and since i’ve been following reza on tumblr for years of course i had to get it!! adding to the excitement: other than one sentence on my speech outline (have to get it approved by the prof), ALL my homework is done!! AND i have monday off school; i’m planning to use it to go to our local “coffee with a cop” session. God of course gives the greatest blessing of all daily (the fact that i’m not dead), but damn if this isn’t a great day.

next, things i’m grateful for this week – i went to our state DECA competition (note: i am not a business student) and i placed in an event!! this means i get to go to the ICDC in april, which just so happens to be in anaheim (read: disneyland) this year. also, i got a day off school for it – didn’t help with the homework situation, but it was nice. and while i was there i got to have dinner with my best friend that i only see a few times every year. in fact, when we first became friends at a summer camp we saw each other every day for a week, and then we didn’t see each other again for two years!! so i guess you can say i was pretty happy.

finally, things i’m grateful for this month – the love and support of my family and two of my closest friends has been everything to me, both as they help me reconnect with God and as i go through life after a horrible series of events last fall. also, the fact that this semester i’ve managed to decrease my anxiety and step outside of my comfort zone is terrifying, simply because it’s not what i’m used to, but amazing. just a few examples of this: i started volunteering at the humane society, i’m going to be president of a new student organization (i hate running meetings so this should be fun), and i actually competed in DECA instead of just going to the meetings. i’m also part of our school newspaper’s rebranding into a more lit mag-esque student publication, which is a process i’m so grateful to be part of.

every day can have amazing gifts from God, if only you choose to see them and thank Him xx

coffee date one

i got this idea from bianca (the friendly fig) and i thought i’d try it myself!! my ‘coffee dates’ will usually be posted the day i actually have the coffee, but finals are coming so this one is a day late.

edited using facetune and vsco – the table is actuallly red!!

this wednesday i had a soy toffee nut latte – it’s become my cold weather fave. the great thing about starbucks is that it’s easy to create vegan options!! also, this starbucks is actually a barnes and noble café, so it serves soup as well, and the option this week was vegan – harvest grain!!

today i’d like to share what i call ‘lazy broke girl hacks.’ i’m in college, so money and motivation can be hard to come by. hopefully this will help you in your times of need!!

1. always diy your nails. i do my own using fake nails from kiss (found at target and cvs) and cutting them into the desired shape and painting them myself. five bucks for a hundred of these, or fifty bucks at a salon? thought so. and the glue is cruelty free!

2. if you follow the above step, carry superglue, a nail file, and scissors at all times. this will ensure that if your nail breaks you’re prepared to keep it classy. (you may also want to carry black or clear polish in case you go mad from the inconvenience of long nails and remove them completely in a fit of rage. pro tip: wetnwild is cruelty free and costs less than a dollar.)

3. ask for gift cards at christmas and your birthday. preferably to starbucks and the nearest grocery store.

4. lift weights instead of doing cardio. it takes less time, it’s not boring, and you get to show off a bit for the wrestlers.

5. if your school or apartment complex has a complimentary gym, use it. religiously.

6. rice and oatmeal are your best friends. cheap, nonperishable, vegan food that you can make in the microwave? hell yes.

7. ask for food instead of gas money if you’re always the chauffeur. your friends won’t kill you or complain, and you won’t be a starving artist.

8. plato’s closet – enough said.

9. wear mostly black. everything will match, it will probably be cheaper, and you’ll always look stylish. let’s face it, it looks less sloppy to show up in black joggers and a black zip-up hoodie than your school’s sweatshirt and the grey senior sweats you live in during finals week.

10. sell everything you haven’t used in six months. not just clothes. mercari is my favorite selling app because you don’t have to guess at the shipping price and you get a preprinted label so you can avoid the hassle paying shipping at the post office and waiting to get paid as reimbursement.

college is crazy, and so is life sometimes. i use these hacks frequently and they’ve made the experience much better for me. let me know if you use any of these yourself or if you have any hacks of your own, and keep watch for more coffee dates in the future. here’s to an affordable, vegan christmas and a happy new year!!